The Search

It wasn’t until 2014 that I realized that i am very anal about my time and about having plans. When things don’t go as planned, my brain is not able to process and comprehend. My brain will shut down, which causes a problem when its time to revise my plan or come up with a new one altogether. 

Recently, my plan of becoming an event planner completely went to shit. I work for a Disney Resort at the moment for the front desk, and i realized that I don’t really like this industry. After spending 5 years in college, and 2 years in the industry, I find myself with no real direction or aspirations. Which my brain isn’t quite clicking with at the moment and im struggling with this epiphany. Im struggling to accept the fact that, i have no real plans for my life…that im working towards nothing…i can comprehend this sense of failure that im feeling. 

How do i fix this when i cant control my mind long enough to revise my plan. Depression consumes my life everyday and it takes energy, will power, and strength to be positive and to see things as if the glass was half full. My brain is set to do completely do the opposite. Its so painful and chronic…i just want to shut my brain down but cant and i feel like the only way to make it stop is to end it completely….im lost.



Im starting to feel a little handicapped by my fear and anxiety regarding my life. Its almost paralyzing. And I dont have the skills to stop it or get rid of the anxiety. I wish i had something or someone to help. I need a distraction.




Boxed In

I have noticed over the year that many of my friends are growing and moving in a direction that im not quite going yet. At first it scared me, because it made me feel as though i was not doing something right. Like somehow, my life was less than. This saddened me and I started to resent my friends for changing. They never knew this, but it was how i was feeling. 

I soon realized that, it didnt make them any less of a friend to me, but that they had to change how they were a friend to me if that makes any sense. My now married friends wanted other married friends. My friends who were parents wanted friends who were parents. My friends in relationships wanted their damn boyfriends. lol but no it was a good thing for them and i am very very happy that my friends are happy. But i lost my support and i lost my positive influences. 

After i see so many of my friends move on and be successful, Im starting to feel like im going nowhere and im in a box. A box that i have no way out of. There are no doors, windows, no cap to this box. It can be very depressing. So now i have realized that i need to start living for me!!! Start figuring out how to be happy and what will make me happy. Its time to get out this box and grow into what God wants me to be…what that is?? We’ll see….



I don’t know why i cant get into this tumblr thing but i think im going to make a better effort to actually blog on this thing. 

Its 2014, and i wish i could say that i am in the happiest place ive ever been in my life but unfortunately that is not the case. Im unhappy with my finances, my job, my residence, my friends, and the fact that the world is moving and evolving and im just standing still. Not sure how to fix this issue but i just wish that I was heading in the right direction or that i had some sort of guidance at this point. Im grateful to be able to wake up and be given the chance to figure it out.



During this transition in life from college to real world, its so hard not to be dependent on a romantic relationship and just be single… to not be able to look to someone for love and affection is hard. but its allowing to get closer to God….to just silence that voice and urge in me and just listen to him and receive his love….but i won’t lie, it would be nice to be held right now! Yet, i’m waiting on what Gods has for me and will continue to do so

I made it! (Taken with instagram)

blessed! (Taken with instagram)